26 October 2010

The First Ever Huggability Ranking Of The National Teams

What is a huggability ranking?
The idea to categorise people as either huggable or unhuggable was shamelessly nicked from half-tracker. It is a very helpful way to turn diffuse gut feelings into a precisely measurable matter and thereby reach clarity about one's preferences. I have refined the method and created a scale that spans from 1.0 (entirely huggable) to 0.1 (huggables can only be spotted by the use of a magnifier).

New Zealand: 1.0
Oh my god. New Zealand are like a tiny wide-eyed kitten that is being clasped by a cruel bony cold human hand and held under the water tap. Unfortunately you can't be more than 100% huggable, otherwise the Kiwis' huggability factor would reach approx. 74,879,982,450.99.

Germany: 1.0
The German team consists of guys that look like your average Asian workmate or fellow student; curry guts and balding heads reveal the life-long amateur cricketer, who just plays for the love of the game. The only blond guy in the side smiles 24/7, I'm afraid, though, he doesn't bowl like Brett Lee. Go the Germs!

Gibraltar: 1.0
They tore my heart out. I hope they are doing well, in whichever black realm of darkness they may be now...

Zimbabwe: 0.9
The 10% that are still missing are reserved for the return of Sean Ervine. Zimbabwe could be compared to NZ, but they differ in terms of hopelessness. They beat India in two consecutive ODIs, so one could say they are a tiny wet kitten wrapped in a towel. A *very* tiny kitten (Ian Nicolson).

Australia: 0.8
Apart from Punter there are hardly any entirely unhuggable players in the Australian team, but their huggability factor on average hasn't been rocketing through the ceiling. However, the massive recent inclusion of domestic players, multiple appearances of Steven Smith, Clint McKay's dyslexia and the return of Ben Hilfenhaus are helping Australia to a noticeably hug-inducing score.

South Africa: 0.7 - 0.9
Here it definitely depends on the format. The Test side includes Jacques Kallis, and in all likeliness will not feature Rusty Theron and Johan Botha, hence I can't give more than 0.7, especially as I also can't see a soonish return of Friedel de Wet. Remember? Friedel? Anyone? The One Day sides on the other hand have Rusty, so if they manage to kick Poominy out and keep playing Tsobie instead of Langefat they will get close to 100%. They also have the Shaun Pollock advantage.

Israel: 0.5
To be honest I hardly know anything about the Israeli players, but the two guys I follow are so massively cool that Israel reach 50% right off the bat (hehe pun). Apart from that they were the only non-Guernsey team in the Euro Div 2 who managed to charm us into defeat. Must be something about them I reckon. Generally I have the feeling there is something boiling underneath the surface, can't quite put my finger on it, but the ravens in the sky are croaking of the coming age of Israeli cricket. BTW. There will be legspin. Just saying.

Bangladesh 0.5
Drubbing NZ has cost them 0.2 points at least. Bad Deshis! Bad! However, Mushi's screeches are music in my ears, and you just gotta love their genuine excitement and happiness about each little step forward. Also, Rubel is a bowler.

Pakistan: 0.4
And those 40% are only just scraped together by a bit of Zulqarnain, Abdul Razzaq, MoYo's smile and recent fielding heroics, and the hope to see more of Azhar Ali. Perhaps also a pinch of Younis. But they have really done everything to massively choke my enthusiasm in the past months. All the other guys I liked, such as Mo Aamer, Ukmal, Salman, Danish and Kakmal, have turned out fishy in different ways, or have disappeared into the void like Mo Sami and Abdur Rauf, and Funky Fawad doesn't really fit in the huggable category; there is however always a door open for the return of Mo Asif.

England: 0.3
Not sure what they are doing in this list, but yeah a teeth-grinding 0.3 for the Poms. They mainly owe this score to their One Day side; Kieswetter and Yardy weigh in heavily, and Monty was the trigger for me to reconsider some basic things in life. Generally I also got used to Strauss. And then there's the all-purpose-huggybear Paul Collingwood.

India: 0.2
India have Ishant Sharma and Dhoni's Dumbo ears. Furthermore the tender blossoming of Ojha could pose a way for me to find some approach to them. But of course they will always remain the enemy.

All other teams: 0.0 (no huggability detected)
For the following reasons: they have either not been studied by me extensively enough to rate their huggability (Sri Lanka, Finland, Nepal...), don't mean a lot to me (Windies, France...) or are cool but not huggable (Ireland).

Hope that helps,


Mudassar @ CricketVibe said...

hahaha loved it, great idea Wes it really does fell nice specially looking at it from female prospective (sorry can't help to think like this these days) hehehehe

I m not into reading any blog or writing anything and you know why but this make me read and it worth it :) I hope i will be back somehow I am missing the insanity of writing and commenting about cricket.

All the best Wes see you soon with full flow.

Sidthegnomenator said...

Watson, definitely unhuggable. Even when he gets the baby face "I'm gonna cry" look on when he gets out - I just wanna laugh at him.

crownish said...

but..but.. India are superpower

Masuud said...

No wonder Kiwis and Germany got 1.0. And gee, Gibraltor? Oh my my!
Loved the detailed one on Pak, hahah!

Wes ~PFCNFS~ said...

Maddy I hope you will return soon but you will probably have other problems then hehe. However it would be nice to read you every now and then but maybe your priorities will be a little different then. Thank you for the comment.

Sid, how could I forgot him. D'oh!!!

Crownish... yeah... but not a superhuggingpower :P

Masuud, yes the first three ranks were inevitable. Gibraltar were the Kiwis of the Euro Div 2... just worse. They make a rock weep :(

Thanks for popping in everybody!

Suhas said...

Lol..from an NZ perspective this one is up there with winning the ICC's 'fair play award'. The pic of Guptill was oddly apt.

Arno said...

You forgot us! You forgot the Dutch!

You have to like us, we beat England at Lord's remember?!

Shridhar Jaju said...

Wes, do we have a 'kickability' index coming up next??

Sidthegnomenator said...

Arno, I'm sure Wes agrees with me that the Dutch are super cuddly. Goes without saying.

I am biased, though ...

Wes ~PFCNFS~ said...

Haha Suhas, well, you have a point there. Although in the fairness case you could argue that Millsy is always up for a brawl ;) The Guptill pic was chosen carefully B)

Arno, Sid, I didn't, but the Dutchmen unfortunately go in the "no clue" category :( The only Dutch match I ever followed was the CB40 against (shoot me but I'm not sure) Middlesex? It took half the match to set up the radio broadcast from the Dutch ground, and then you didn't hear a lot about the match as of course the guest in the studio mainly enlightened the listener about Dutch cricket etc. But yeah the Dutchies I know are all tall and, well, you know, not exactly ugly haha. Not sure if that equals "huggable" though...

Shridhar your comment made me giggle for several hours. Brilliant. You give me thoughts, mate... Considering that you are an Indian you might as well have summoned a demon here... lol

Arno said...

Super cuddly, thank you Sid, that's all I wanted to hear.

Lou said...

Aus aren't very huggable at present.

If they drop Clarke and Punter, they would improve by about 80% but then in the real world, they are adding Haddin and giving Paine the flick and so they have disappeared down and off the scale.

Hilfy is doing sterling if unavailing work in getting them back on the scale.

If Mitchell Marsh ever makes it to the test team at the same time as Tim Paine and Callum Ferguson, the team will win the 'fluffy bunnies and cocker spaniel puppies' award forever and a day.

Wes ~PFCNFS~ said...

Lou there are no words to express the rightness of your words.

bettiwettiwoo said...

'Apart from Punter there are hardly any entirely unhuggable players in the Australian team'

In addition to Twatto, who as Sidthegnomenator points out, is completely unhuggable, hugging Marcus North? Ewwwwww So unattractive.