This ranking is based on the official huggability factor determination method and takes into account all thus far completed warm-up games.
The minnow teams are per se huggable because they are minnows. None of these sides has been huggability-rated before. The gradation looks as follows:
The Netherlands: 1.0
Awwww. Our lovely orange neighbours represent the European continent, liberalism, peacefulness, brain, dopeyness, tallness and yellow, holey dairy products. Nom. Redback Tom Cooper plays for them and their coach rocks (see below). I default-support them when the Germs aren't playing, so the Nederlands are my favourites for the throne. Let the Nethercoach Peter Drinnen (is he the nemesis of Hans Draußen haha) explain you why NL are hot.
Having not been rated before due to coolness, but a lack of huggability, this time Ireland reach 0.7 right off the bat. Absolutely admirable bunch of players, improving and getting better each day, and the most promising of the Associate countries to become a full member one day in the foreseeable future. They also have George Dockrell, ahem. Demerit points for Gary Wilson (Surrey), and captain Porterfield's complete unlistenability. Nevertheless: Europe! Europe! Check out CricketIrelandTV on Youtube.
The names of eight (!) of their 15 squad members start with "O". Besides, there are two pairs of brothers in the Kenyan squad -the grumpy Ngoches and the friendly Obuyas- and one uncle/nephew relation. Would you hug a mad hatter? No. But do you like the Crazy Cat Lady? Yes! Thus six huggability points for the East Africans.
They humiliated Hampshire However, they are minnows. Also, they aren't India. And they came mighty close to beating the Poms today.
All of the big teams have been rated before, except for Sri Lanka and the West Indies.
New Zealand: 1.0
Absolutely no change from the previous rating, I could copy the exact same wording including the mad head grabs, desperate yelps and blind flailing. The addition of Kane Williamson makes things even worse. Oh man. Hugs, belly rubs, kibbles and a snuggle blankie for the furry little stumpybirds!
|No World Cup for Hopes: "High injury risk for huggee"|
Unchanged as well. They don't really have a stinker in the team but they make me so arghhh! I have no clue how they are going to play any Tests later this year, as currently they are even struggling against the Associates. Much, much work still has to be done, but one thing is for sure, I won't run out of patience anytime soon.
Australia have been humbled badly in their warm-up matches, both times by the big fat elephants of this tournament, India and South Africa (my two tips for the trophy). The reason is obvious: Punter is back, misery is back. Therefore no full points for the "scrambled eggs on legs". Concerning the K: beggars can't be choosers. He looks one of the more economical bowlers of the piss-coloured bunch, so yeah go ahead K, but don't forget, I got my eye on you.
South Africa: 0.7
Three bitter penalty points for ridiculing Oz, not taking Rusty, and Boofus quitting after the WC. But they gain two points for leaving Albie at home, persisting with Tsobie and Ingram, as well as including Tahir. In numbers: they lose 0.1 of their average original rating, but are still clearly on the huggable side (and will remain so unless the moon bursts, or one of Jacques Kallis' enormous buttocks).
Pakistan: 0.4 - 0.7
The precise score depends on the time of day, food status, whether I've just thought of Azhar Ali or Wahab Riaz, the prevailing intensity of insolation, the amount of time passed since the last Atif enjoyment, whether I've just seen a picture of a little kitten or Boom-Boom-Out-Fridi, and other permanently fluctuating factors. Well, it's a Pak rating after all! And a significant improvement of their original score.
The Deshis gain 0.1 because time heals all wounds. They are my favourites in the case that one of the hosting teams get their hands on the cup. Shakib, Rubel, Mahmudullah. Unfortunately Mashrafe isn't part of their squad. You so wish them to stun some of the hippos (no direct allusion to the Saffas, Strauss has a hippoid head as well). The niceness of their World Cup song has mushed my brains additionally.
Sri Lanka: 0.5
Recently I've always had a nice tummy feeling about them. Also, their president looks like a fat happy cat. The Lanks are quite a smiley bunch of people, I like their skipper, and the things I particularly hated about them -Malinga's hair dye, Malinga's stature, Malinga's bowling action- have grown on me in a weird way. Interesting.
West Indies: 0.3
Meh. I still don't have any measurable feelings of any sort about them, which actually disqualifies them from the ranking, since teams that cannot be rated cannot be rated, but let's just appreciate that Redbacks hero Kieron Pollard is in the squad, and Sulie hasn't pulled off any major antics in the past months.
The Poms slump to one third of their initial score. Morgan is out injured, Tremlett, the bowling reserve, is mournfully sitting at home like a forsaken damsel waiting for Broad to break his neck, and Luke Wright looks like getting games. In English: I will support them against India.
Half of their original score; 5% huggability yielded by the theoretical chance of Ojha getting a match if Harbhajan and his twenty replacements get injured, and Dhoni's ears. Ishant has lost relevance since his hair is nullified by his retarded idea that people are interested in learning the colour of his underpants.
► Final verdict:
If it was me pressing the buttons, either the Netherlands, Australia, New Zealand or Zimbabwe would win the World Cup. Preferably Australia, because my evil side wants them to stuff the cup down India's throats. And England's, for that matter.
Again. And again. And again. And again.
*gets knocked on the head with a stick*
*finds that reality is a stupid concept*