16 February 2011

ICC World Cup - Who To Support

This ranking is based on the official huggability factor determination method and takes into account all thus far completed warm-up games.

The minnow teams are per se huggable because they are minnows. None of these sides has been huggability-rated before. The gradation looks as follows:

The Netherlands: 1.0
Awwww. Our lovely orange neighbours represent the European continent, liberalism, peacefulness, brain, dopeyness, tallness and yellow, holey dairy products. Nom. Redback Tom Cooper plays for them and their coach rocks (see below). I default-support them when the Germs aren't playing, so the Nederlands are my favourites for the throne. Let the Nethercoach Peter Drinnen (is he the nemesis of Hans Draußen haha) explain you why NL are hot.

Ireland: 0.7
Having not been rated before due to coolness, but a lack of huggability, this time Ireland reach 0.7 right off the bat. Absolutely admirable bunch of players, improving and getting better each day, and the most promising of the Associate countries to become a full member one day in the foreseeable future. They also have George Dockrell, ahem. Demerit points for Gary Wilson (Surrey), and captain Porterfield's complete unlistenability. Nevertheless: Europe! Europe! Check out CricketIrelandTV on Youtube.

Kenya: 0.6
The names of eight (!) of their 15 squad members start with "O". Besides, there are two pairs of brothers in the Kenyan squad  -the grumpy Ngoches and the friendly Obuyas-  and one uncle/nephew relation. Would you hug a mad hatter? No. But do you like the Crazy Cat Lady? Yes! Thus six huggability points for the East Africans.

Canada: 0.4
They humiliated Hampshire However, they are minnows. Also, they aren't India. And they came mighty close to beating the Poms today.

All of the big teams have been rated before, except for Sri Lanka and the West Indies.

New Zealand: 1.0
Absolutely no change from the previous rating, I could copy the exact same wording including the mad head grabs, desperate yelps and blind flailing. The addition of Kane Williamson makes things even worse. Oh man. Hugs, belly rubs, kibbles and a snuggle blankie for the furry little stumpybirds!

Zimbabwe: 0.9
No World Cup for Hopes: "High injury risk for huggee"
Unchanged as well. They don't really have a stinker in the team but they make me so arghhh! I have no clue how they are going to play any Tests later this year, as currently they are even struggling against the Associates. Much, much work still has to be done, but one thing is for sure, I won't run out of patience anytime soon.

Australia: 0.8
Australia have been humbled badly in their warm-up matches, both times by the big fat elephants of this tournament, India and South Africa (my two tips for the trophy). The reason is obvious: Punter is back, misery is back. Therefore no full points for the "scrambled eggs on legs". Concerning the K: beggars can't be choosers. He looks one of the more economical bowlers of the piss-coloured bunch, so yeah go ahead K, but don't forget, I got my eye on you.

South Africa: 0.7
Three bitter penalty points for ridiculing Oz, not taking Rusty, and Boofus quitting after the WC. But they gain two points for leaving Albie at home, persisting with Tsobie and Ingram, as well as including Tahir. In numbers: they lose 0.1 of their average original rating, but are still clearly on the huggable side (and will remain so unless the moon bursts, or one of Jacques Kallis' enormous buttocks).

Pakistan: 0.4 - 0.7
The precise score depends on the time of day, food status, whether I've just thought of Azhar Ali or Wahab Riaz, the prevailing intensity of insolation, the amount of time passed since the last Atif enjoyment, whether I've just seen a picture of a little kitten or Boom-Boom-Out-Fridi, and other permanently fluctuating factors. Well, it's a Pak rating after all! And a significant improvement of their original score.

Bangladesh: 0.6
The Deshis gain 0.1 because time heals all wounds. They are my favourites in the case that one of the hosting teams get their hands on the cup. Shakib, Rubel, Mahmudullah. Unfortunately Mashrafe isn't part of their squad. You so wish them to stun some of the hippos (no direct allusion to the Saffas, Strauss has a hippoid head as well). The niceness of their World Cup song has mushed my brains additionally.

Sri Lanka: 0.5
Recently I've always had a nice tummy feeling about them. Also, their president looks like a fat happy cat. The Lanks are quite a smiley bunch of people, I like their skipper, and the things I particularly hated about them -Malinga's hair dye, Malinga's stature, Malinga's bowling action- have grown on me in a weird way. Interesting.

West Indies: 0.3
Meh. I still don't have any measurable feelings of any sort about them, which actually disqualifies them from the ranking, since teams that cannot be rated cannot be rated, but let's just appreciate that Redbacks hero Kieron Pollard is in the squad, and Sulie hasn't pulled off any major antics in the past months.

England: 0.1
The Poms slump to one third of their initial score. Morgan is out injured, Tremlett, the bowling reserve, is mournfully sitting at home like a forsaken damsel waiting for Broad to break his neck, and Luke Wright looks like getting games. In English: I will support them against India.

India: 0.05
Half of their original score; 5% huggability yielded by the theoretical chance of Ojha getting a match if Harbhajan and his twenty replacements get injured, and Dhoni's ears. Ishant has lost relevance since his hair is nullified by his retarded idea that people are interested in learning the colour of his underpants.

► Final verdict:
If it was me pressing the buttons, either the Netherlands, Australia, New Zealand or Zimbabwe would win the World Cup. Preferably Australia, because my evil side wants them to stuff the cup down India's throats. And England's, for that matter.

Again. And again. And again. And again.

*gets knocked on the head with a stick*
*wakes up*
*rubs eyes*
*finds that reality is a stupid concept*



Will said...

England are a very huggable side - just look at Mick Yardy! He'd be both warm, friendly, and he has a little bit of lovehandles which would make a hug from him a very nice thing to experience. As well as him there's Matt Prior - who's general jumping around in the field fills my heart with joy every time I see it. Add to that the positively cuddly Bell, Collingwood, Shahzad and Anderson (I'd also add Swann to that but each to their own) England are a pretty huggable team. Although this is counterbalanced with KP just being KP.

And you can't hate England - you can never hate a team doing badly! :)

Wes ~PFCNFS~ Blog said...

You are one lovely bloke Will, but not illuminated much!

Yardy (that is Chinese backwards for "He who sneaks into people's hearts with his sneaky bowling, batting, speaking, and county captaincy") has earned the Englanders all of their 10% huggability, while only being 1/15 of their squad. See how much I rate him? Awww Yardy. *sigh*

Colly did not contribute any points anymore since I've grown bored of him.

Rishabh said...

I'm OK with anyone but the Aussies and the Lankans winning. The former, I believe, deserve to keep losing for all the years where they killed everyone, and the latter I'm just sick of :P

tracerbullet007 said...

Man, if Afghanistan had made it, their huggability index would have shot through the roof!

Freehit said...

This is a cricket blog with a difference. After all, no other blog talks about huggability.

Wes ~PFCNFS~ Blog said...

You guys are too tolerant with me. Especially you Indians and you Poms ^^

Rishabh somebody said, before the next World Cup India is gonna play a warm-up ODI series against SL. (Was that you?) I loled.

Benny I actually pondered an Afgh rating and found it very difficult. Haven't watched any of these glorifying documentaries yet and all I remember about the Afghans are these nasty incidents between them and the Scots last year...

Mayank thank you for the visit! Yeah I'm a bit "special" *coughcough* ;)

sunny said...

De Oranjes!
Certainly my favourite minnow side and out of gratitude for the amazing amazing cheese they produce. And also considering they speak the same language as the Flemish (though that's not a reason for some buddy-buddying between India and the Stanis) ;)

I can agree with you about SA not picking Rusty, but yeah we have at least Tahir and Lopsy playing. But wait, isn't the Boofus Biff retiring supposed to be a 'good' thing? Well, not unless Hash takes over I think.

Nice post Wes, the term 'huggable' is entirely huggable. :)

Wes ~PFCNFS~ Blog said...

Hah Sunny... only yesterday I read on Twitter how an utterly upset Pakistani complained about Hindi being NOT the same as Urdu... not-at-all!!! *g*

Your remark about the poor little Biffling is blasphemous!

sunny said...

It's different but not that very different I think. Just like Flemish and Nederlands.

Sorry Wes, but being mean to Biff is sometimes so hard to resist, but almost always done in jest though. :)

Sidthegnomenator said...

I'm totally with you on the final verdict there, mate, but it ain't gonna happen. I continue to suffer, though.

Also totally with Sunny on the favourite minnows. What's not to love about the Dutch? We like chocolate and we like beer. You can't lose.

Wes ~PFCNFS~ Blog said...

"beer" *lol*